I drank a bunch of coffee about an hour ago in an attept to wake me up but now I just feel dirty on the inside, and tired and icky. I have been told that water is the new coffee… well it’s not new but you know- like everything that you think coffee does water actually does but… water doesn’t taste as good nor smell as good as coffee. Seriously. Blech. Now I just want to barf.

OK well anyways I had to tell you this story. I’m in such a rush but it’s so important for me to tell it to you this.

So about 2 weeks ago someone at Playboy called me and said he had to write a script for a big commercial they were making on Playboy TV, like for Playboy TV. You know what I mean… they have these types of things a lot on VH1 or MTV where it’s a promo ad for the station you are watching. Get it? Alright well in any case, the guy who called me told me there was a "character" in this little script that was based around me, and he told me it should be played by me. Ummm… ok I’m being confusing. See the promo ad script in a nut shell- is a bunch of different stereotypes of people walking into Spice Studios and pitching ideas for a porno- like a black guy with baggy pants and a boom box pitching an idea for a porn that sounds like a rap video (with fancy big cars with silver rims ect) or someone else comes in while juggling requesting some kind of circus porn- and then there is one person who is supposed to be an "eccentric New York indie film maker" pitching an idea about female empowerment (ect). It was pretty much a cartoon version of me- because as you probably know- I recently made a movie for Spice studios that will be coming out next year– so my "character" in this little promo ad was a way to introduce me and my style of film making in a humorous way to the Playboy TV audience. Yeeeeah.

So then last week I get a call from someone who told me they were a "casting director" at Playboy. He told me they were holding open auditions for the promo ad they were making and that someone suggested I try out for the part of… well… me. I was like "um, well I think that part is actually written around me… do I really need to come in and try out?" He started laughing "Joanna, that’s very cute!" he said. I think he thought I was joking! I don’t think the people in the different Playboy departments talk to eachother. He told me the date and time of when this "audition" would take place. I wrote down the info- I figured I could make a few calls and get out of this nonsense and this was just some corporate technicality that could be easily resolved.

I called the guy who wrote the script and he said he has no authority over "casting" in the company, and that I would in fact have to go and try out for this part of myself. He said he just writes the scripts and comes up with the ideas but the "casting department" has to pick the cast. I was like… um… ok… yeah thanks.

So then I go down to the audition. I was a half an hour later than I said I would be there but I really had a hard time taking this seriously. I got to the building and I was asked to fill out a bunch of forms, and was placed in a waiting room where about 30 other girls sat who were all trying out for the part of me. Some of them were other girls I knew in porn, others were mainstream actresses. I guess because the part doesn’t require nudity, Playboy had put up some ads where "real" actresses look for jobs. Someone there informed me that about 80% of the time the people in playboy commercials have nothing to do with porn at all. They are just regular SAG actors and actresses who wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near a porn. Strange. Right? My sister is a struggling actress trying to "make it." She’s still in college so she has some time before the real desporation kicks in… I surely hope for her sake after she graduates that she isn’t waiting on a line to try out for the part of me in a Playboy promo commercial.

Anyways, I think these people were a little too over the top- most of them looked like what I looked like in 8th grade and was a mallrat- stripey stockings, lip-rings (a lot of fake lip rings- I even saw some fake tattooes!) big ugly chokers from Hot Topic and ripped fishnets… ect. I was just wearing jeans and a wife-beater. I was starting to worry that I didn’t look like me enough to make the part of me in this ad.

The casting director came out and asked for my name, I told him. Then he yelled at me for being late… I kinda laughed and kind of apologized. He stated that he doesn’t tolerate tardiness but since I was "highly recomended" by the script writer he would let me stay. I sunk my head and nodded in shame but on the inside I was laughing so hard I was crying. Some of the other girls flashed me bitchy grins. I think they thought that this could increase their chances of getting the part.

I was handed the lines. They were kind of hokey… I changed them around a little bit so they sounded more like something I would actually say. I mean, the script writer was close but not on point. The character didn’t exactly sound like Joanna Angel, it sounded sorta like a cheap Joanna Angel knock off you could buy in China-town.

After about 10 other Marilyn Manson-esque girls walked in and out of the audition room, I was called in. The mean casting director was there, and some other guy was behind a camera- who said – "wow- you look perfect for the part!" I smiled and said thanks- but I tried to say it in a relieved sort of way as if I had been trying hard to look like this ever since I was notified for the audition. I said the lines, I was told I didn’t need to memorize them and could read them off the paper but I was like- nah it’s cool I memorized them while I was waiting. They were very very impressed. So I said my thing, the casting director was like "I really like what you did with the lines!" .. and then he continued about how he usually doesn’t like people getting creative when handed a script but for some odd reason my variations were fitting. I smiled and thanked him. He asked me to read the lines with a few different tones and expressions… as much as he wanted to be let down due to my lack of punctuality… he was painfully pleased.

"Can I go home now?" I asked.. but the guy behind the camera told me to wait in the waiting room while they decide who "got the part." I said "OHHhhh- ok… usually when I go to auditions they call us to let us know if we got the part…" and he said "no, not here. Here playboy entertainment we’re not quite as professional as what you’re probably used to- you know- it’s a different industry" and he kind of chuckled. "Ah! ok cool. Good to know!" I said, then went back to the waiting room.

So then the casting director came back in the waiting room and requested my presence about 20 minutes later. I know I told you guys I don’t smoke any more but I bummed a cigarette from three of the different Joanna Angel prospects outside while waiting to see if I "got the part" because I wasn’t sure what else to do with myself. I wanted to call someone and tell them this story but I couldn’t really do it while I was in the room and it couldn’t have been translated well in a text message.

So yeah, I was called back into the room and the dude behind the camera and the casting director dude were like "YOU GOT THE PART" in a very over enthusiastic tone. "OH WOW! YES!" I said and smacked both of them five. They said they would call with more information about it.

Yeah. I don’t know… are you um… happy for me?!

xoxo