If that doesn’t say Male Performer of the Year then I don’t know what does….
God Bless Porno and Burger King!
OK. Now all those people or that one person who accuses me of name dropping- I am about to name drop! So get ready for some major name dropping!
Anyways- last week I went to the VINCE NEIL POKER TOURNAMENT at the HARD ROCK HOTEL IN LAS VEGAS. The event is a charity for the Skyler Neil foundation- I read the Motely Crue biography so I know that Skyler was the name of Vince Neils daughter who died of cancer at a very young age. After she died he did some research and learned that the cancer was a result of the chemical plant near their house… I don’t remember all the exact details…. but basically, Vince started an organization devoted to cancer research, and making sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else kid. Vince Neil also happens to really like poker- so in this tournament- all the losers money was donated to the organization, and the winner got to keep the money- which was something like 25k.
At the last minute I was asked to host this event. I was actually on my way home from the AEE expo in Vegas on Tuesday, the 13th when I got a call to host this event on Saturday, the 17th. I pretended that I didn’t want to go back to vegas because I think that was the appropriate reaction but- who was I kidding. It’s fucking Las Vegas- I was super excited to go back.
It was also kinda like fate- because it was the same week that Girls Girls Girls #2 came out. I gave Vince Neil a copy of the movie. Either he will masturbate furiously to it- or I will get a cease and desist letter from his lawyer. Lets hope the latter does not happen.
Now- here is Vince Neil. If he was anyone else I would have made fun of his bad dye job and his affliction-esque shirt but like dude, he was in Motely Crue. So it is ok for him to dress as lame as he wants- and he can gain weight and keep dying his hair an ungodly color and it will still be OK.
and here he is with a copy of my lively little porno homage to his band
… And just so you know- I am TOTALLY not Vince Neils type. I am pretty sure some blond fake titted porn star was SUPPOSED to host this event but flaked out at the last minute because she was too tired after AVN- and somehow I became the replacement. I know for a fact that I was not Vince Neil’s choice- someone in his management team recommended me for the job. As a result of this decision, I single handedly ruined what could have been one of the most blond red carpet photos ever
The blondie on the far right is Vince Neils wife- I think her name is Leah, but I am not 100% sure. She is cool in my book because she told me I had a nice butt- and I like all people who like my butt- and she also kicked ass in poker. Sure, she had somewhat of an advantage because everyone else at the table was distracted by her EEE boobs but you know- she still kicked ass. The next to her is a woman whose name I forget but she is a really good photographer. Then next to her is Vince Neil (duh) and then next to her is Taylor Wayne- whose boobs is a letter in the alphabet I don’t even know. Taylor has been doing porn for like 20 years, or something ridiculous like that. I enjoyed hearing her stories about the early days of the porn industry where there was like, 5 companies and about 15 girls in the whole world who did it. I think she looks like a living version of Jessica Rabbit but with blond hair. She is also British, and very funny.
After the poker tournament, Taylor and I had to host the after party and an auction at Wasted Space in the hard-rock. We had to get on stage and auction off leather jackets signed by all the members of Aerosmith, and a guitar signed by all the members of the Rolling Stones, and some other Motley Crue parephenelia. People paid anywhere from 3 to 5 thousand dollars for this stuff- it was pretty insane. The only item that did not sell was a pair of sunglasses worn by Ozzy Ozborne. He even signed the inside of the case and everything. Taylor and I really tried- we cracked jokes and she even offered a hand-job with a reach around but we had no luck. No one wanted to pay $3500 for a pair of used sunglasses- even for a good cause.When I am sick of my clothes I have to go to the Buffalo Exchange and sell them for like one eighth the price of what I paid for them. It must be nice to be Ozzy and somehow magically have your clothing go up in value- kind of.
Well after the auction Taylor and I partied. I got really drunk and danced and shit. The DJ of the club was terrible, and I was so drunk that it didn’t really bother me. He played like 9 seconds of a song then played another one. It was almost as if he went on Itunes and didn’t want to pay the money to buy the song so he just downloaded the free chorus.
Here are some photos of the drunken fun. I was trying to show the ratio of her boobs to my hand. They are a lot larger.
Oh. And In my drunken stupor I realized that one of the waitresses at the club was that girl Brandi on Charm School. I took a photo with her. Here it is. All of you reality TV junkies can gawk at it or something.
Alright. Now that’s it.
Thanks for putting up with my name-dropping and shit. I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope you know that I am name dropping because I really think I am soooooo cool. I hope you think I am cool now too.
when i don’t blog for a long time i get really weird. like i start to put all this pressure on myself- i start to think like- oh no, i haven’t blogged in so long- now i must blog something earth-shattering to make up for my lack of blogging for the past few weeks. Wait. Earth-shattering is bad right? Should I have used to work groundbreaking?
Unfortunately, I have to make this half-assed. I do a lot of that these days and I am sick of hearing myself say that. But I swear, my life really is busy. Maybe 10 years from now I’ll have lots of time to sit and reflect and write about all the things I skipped over in these past few years.
I have a bunch oh photos I will upload over the course of events these past few weeks. For now, you just get these words.
This is the first year I have gone to the AVN awards and lost everything I was nominated for. It was sort of depressing. It kinda made me feel like I was the flavor of the month for a while and my month is over. I don’t blame myself, and I certainly don’t blame you- I blame the stupid word “alt”. If that word never came to be, then my porn would have just been considered porn and I would have never gone in style, and I would have never gone out. I don’t really care THAT much. Of course, I care a little…. but I care a lot less now than I did four days ago, and four days from now…. I am sure it will all go away.
My boyfriend though, won male performer of the year. How strange, that the penis that I suck in the morning is critically acclaimed to be the most certifiably amazing cock in the world. I would act all giddy and excited and surprised, but I knew he would win. He can fuck on camera with no problem but he has some weird kind of strain of social anxiety disorder – I think…. and this rare form makes him freeze up in front of big crowds. But these big crowds don’t matter when his penis is inside of someone. I have no idea. I am not a doctor. Speaking of doctors, I have started watching the show HOUSE. I am watching it now as I type this. Some little kids eye just rolled into the back of his head and then he puked blood all over the floor. It was pretty cool.
Anyways, so I went on stage and accepted the award for Mr James Deen. I thanked the girls he fucked, the directors who hired him, along with some other people. I gave a special thank you to our friend Chico Wang who passed away- he hired James a lot early on in his career and taught him a lot of things about performing. If I wouldn’t have gone up there- then no one would have gone up there, and male performer of the year is a big award. It would have been lame. People seemed to be entertained by my little speech. Someone told someone who told someone who told me that AVN thought this entire thing was disrespectful. I wanted this line to read “well I think it’s disrespectful that this person won this award” but that’s pretty tacky. It doesn’t bother me that anyone else one- it just makes me a little sad that I lost.
A major problem that I always have in Vegas is that I am always extremely busy- and I never have the time or energy to do what everyone at a porn convention in Vegas should do- and that is- have sex. Or what am I talking about – people should not “have sex” in Vegas…. people should fuck. But my schedule is always like- wake up around 7am, shower, do makeup, go to signing, do interviews for a few hours, go to some “business” dinner, go to some party… then sleep. I am not trying to sound like a rock-star- this is genuinely my schedule. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Ultimately my goal is for more people in the world to know about this website- sometimes I’m not sure which things on my schedule are leading me there and which are just …. you know… stopping me from getting laid. Grr.
I do however, genuinely thank all the fans who came to see me. I know, the economy is tough right now and the AEE expo is completely overpriced. You all make me feel special- no… it’s not even special… you make me feel like whatever the hell it is I have set out to do, I am actually doing. You make it all make sense.
OK ok. I am tired. I should finish my story. I haven’t even gotten to the good part. Well yeah- for the first time I actually got to have sex in Vegas- on Sunday night- the last night of the expo. Me and James and another girl who is really really hot all banged for a long time – I would show off and say her name but I am not sure if she wants me to. I need to ask her. Once she gives me the OK I will brag about it to all of you. But I don’t want to say her name without asking. Now that would be rude. Right?
So then after I don’t know 2 or 3 hours of sex we all sat around and talked and laughed and I pretended to smoke cigarettes and then it was weird. I was so ridiculously horny I thought I was going to break something. This rarely happens to me. I am like a 15 year old boy a lot with sex. Like after 10 minutes I have already orgasmed about 18 times and I am ready for bed. Especially with the AVN approved penis I sleep next to at night. But I don’t know what it was. Maybe it’s that oxygen they pump into the rooms in Vegas or maybe losing AVN awards really makes me randy, but I was just not done, and I was annoyed and frustrated and angry. So my solution to the problem was to go downstairs and get a drink. I figured it would make me more normal. You know- that’s what normal people do? They drink…. at 5am.
So me and hot girl who wont be named and James all went down to the lobby to have a drink, or something and lo and behold the first person we saw down there was STEVE HOLMES. He is a 52 year old German guy who makes me, you, and everyone else you know in the world look like a prude. He is just so dirty- and I like it. I am not sure why, and I am not encouraging any of you to be like him. Most people with his demeanor would be considered downright creepy and inappropriate…. but somehow he pulls it off and it’s sexy. He was in two of the scenes in XOXO JOANNA ANGEL, hes also been in a zillion movies. I think he has won Foreign male performer of the year a bunch of times. I also think that at some point in time in his life he has jerked off a horse.
Blah. So Steve’s presence got everyone who was not me back in the mood to have sex and 10 seconds later we were back in the elevator and went upstairs to my room and then uh- Steve and James DPed me and then they DP’d the other hot girl and it was the first time she ever did that so it was particularly hot. I have done DP’s off camera, but they were on set, where a camera was only like 10 minutes away. I have never done one 100% on me time. I think Steve is one of the only guys I know who really wants to do that on his off time. After like, a half hour or so of that…. well, that weird angsty feeling I felt before went away. I was satisfied and went to sleep.
I am not sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe the moral is that sometimes you have to be immoral- or maybe a DP is not so immoral after all and neither is jerking off a horse once in a blue moon.
My instinct is telling me to delete half this blog entry because I am worried you will all think I am some kind of sick freak- but then I will be back where I was before- blogless. And then- well…. Baby Sinead would have no respect for me. And that would really suck.