Regardless of what you may think- I actually do not spend much time in Hollywood.

People always say they hate Hollywood- and I most often nod my head and agree just for the fuck of it… but now I actually do hate Hollywood just as much as everyone else does.

On Thursday, the day before I left to go to Australia I had a few errands to run in Hollywood. The place I get my hair done is there. I actually like it there a lot. It’s not their fault that they are in Hollywood! It’s a salon called “Hairroine”. Get it? It’s like heroine – you know, the drug, but it has the word “hair” in it- so it’s like, you are addicted to hair or something. It’s a nice salon and it’s not too expensive and the people there don’t fuck my hair up. The only thing that sucks about that salon is that there is no parking lot, however the people who work at the desk are always kind enough to ask where you parked your car and they make sure to keep putting quarters in so you don’t get a ticket. It’s quite nice.

Here I am making my hair a little pink-er.

One of the front desk girls came up to me while my head was underneath the dryer and said “I’m really sorry, but you got a ticket.” “What!!” I said, “It definitely hasn’t been an hour yet!” and then she handed me the ticket and I saw that it was in fact a ticket for not having a front license plate. It had nothing to do with an expired meter. I never got around to putting my front license plate on. I had no idea you could get tickets for that kinda thing. OK I technically knew that you could, but I didn’t know anyone actually WOULD. Bastards!

I was done with my hair appointment around 5ish and I had a few hours to kill. At 7 pm I was scheduled to go and record me saying a few silly sentences that will be on the next Taintstick album. Although, Taintstick is not Taintstick anymore- they broke up and now call themselves “Death Death Die.” I don’t know.

So in essence guess I was recording for the new Death Death Die Album

Either way, it is Jason Ellis‘ band, and they sing about balls and boobs and other important worldly issues so I was quite honored to say a few lines on the album. I figured I would go to some of the stores on Melrose and get a few new outfits to wear in Australia.

I parked my car at an intersection on Melrose that looked like it had a lot of stores and man… it was a nightmare. Taking a nap in my car for those few hours would have been more productive. Everyone stands outside the stores and basically forces you to come in and try stuff on. I felt so pressured! I didn’t like it. I can always appreciate a good sales person but this was beyond that. One guy literally pushed me into his store, handed me three dresses, and said “TRY THIS ON IT WILL LOOK GOOD ON YOU”. Maybe I’m a sucker? Or maybe I just wanted to be left alone… but I bought at least one thing in every store I went into, and I went into about five different stores. Every time I said I didn’t want something, the person in the store lowered the price… and then I just felt like I had to do it. I’m not even sure why? I tried on clothing that was very obviously too big- and then was told “well you can get it tailored- I’ll take $20 off it’s a good deal” while it was being rung up. I felt like this was all some kind of karmic payback for the time in my life when I worked as a house dancer at a strip club. But hey- at least the people I bullied into getting lap dances (yes, I did have to do that a lot. I know all you people reading my blog might think I am awesome, but all the people who used to come into the strip club I worked at did not share the same point of view) and when they caved in, they totally got erections and some intense dry humping in intervals of three minutes. All I came home with was a bunch of clothing that was too big or hideous. And then came the grand finale of my day, when I returned to my car…  hobbling with 5 shopping bags filled with shit I didn’t want, and saw THREE  parking tickets on my car. Time might fly when you’re having fun but it flies by even faster when you’re stuck somewhere you don’t want to be.

As a result I was an hour late to the recording studio. But that’s OK. The “recording studio” was just Christain’s apartment (he’s the drummer of the band). He asked why I was late, and I told him I got stuck shopping. Then we both laughed at what a stereotypical porn star I sounded like.

I thought I was tough. I mean, I’m from New Jersey! And, I permanently lived in Brooklyn for a few years and I still half live there kinda. My mother was in the Israeli army. I can fit large penises in my ass, and I go to the gym and hit a big heavy bag like, 2- 3 times a week. I convinced Larry Flynt to make me a centerfold in Hustler without photo-shopping my tattoos off, and I won an AVN award for a movie I spent $1000 making (Repenetrator!!) I THOUGHT I COULD DO ANYTHING.

But I can’t. Alas! Melrose ave is way stronger than I will ever be.

xoxo

Joanna Angel